Many times, being an introvert is confused with being shy. The two are in fact very different ideas, however, many people do possess both traits.
In general, I usually hear shyness described as a sort of social anxiety- a shy person avoids interaction because they are afraid (of being judged or embarrassing themselves, maybe). Someone who is simply introverted does not necessarily have that anxiety. If they avoid social interaction, it is usually because they do not want it and do not like too much of it. Of course, many people have both traits. And some people who are shy might actually crave interaction with others more than a plain-old introvert does- but their fear holds them back.
But my question is this- can society's general lack of acceptance for introversion cause some people to exhibit "shy" qualities, like anxiety or an outward lack of confidence? I can't speak on this issue for anyone except myself, but I do think this has been an issue for me personally.
For most of my life, I have been labeled as "shy" by others. I never had more than a few friends at any one time, didn't like talking to strangers, tended to be very quiet in group settings and never went to parties. And for many years, I got the feeling that there was something wrong with me because I did all of these things. People who don't have very many friends are weird, right? If you don't like partying, that MUST mean you just don't know how to have fun, right? Don't speak up much in class? Aww, you should be more confident! All my life, I've been hearing things like "You need to come out of your shell more," or "Speak up, no one will judge you here!" and "Don't be so shy!" or "You don't appear assertive enough!".
So I think that over time, I just kind of absorbed the message that me being quiet was a bit of a personal failing. I began to feel like I was always expected to be talking- talk, cheap as it may be, is no doubt very highly valued in this culture. Whenever I wasn't talking, I always felt like I should be- like I was weird if I didn't. So, naturally, I started getting anxious, I started worrying about what people thought. I internalized the message that I was "scared" to talk to people whenever I failed to start a conversation with a classmate. I accepted the label that everyone had given me since I was a very small child: "shy".
But over the last few years, I've done a lot of self-evaluating. And something fairly major occurred to me once as I was sitting in a lecture hall waiting for a class to start. I didn't know anyone else in the class, so I was sitting alone, quietly, and feeling more and more guilty as I heard the chatter of all these classmates around me. Why couldn't I be like them? Why didn't I have anyone to talk to? They probably think I am so weird and awkward sitting here alone!
But then it hit me: I wasn't talking to anyone right then because I didn't want to be. I wasn't scared to talk to them, I just didn't want to! There were only like 5 minutes to go before the professor would be there and I wanted to use that time to work on a story I was writing- that felt like a much more productive use of the time than making small talk with a stranger- but there I was, making myself feel so guilty for being true to myself. I then looked around the room and noticed many, many others who were, like me, sitting alone. Some were writing, some were listening to music, some were reading, some were staring into space. But I didn't think a single one looked "sad" or "lonely" or "awkward". Nobody thought anything of it and nobody thought anything of me either.
In that moment, my anxiety disappeared. I felt calm. I don't think I had ever felt calm in a large group of people before, but in that moment, I did, and I (mostly) have ever since. I learned that it is ok that I don't want to be making small talk with people for every minute of the day- it is a preference, not a fear. I learned that I do not have to say something if I have nothing to say- that is the gift of knowing when to shut up and listen, not a lack of confidence. I learned that it is ok to not like going to parties- it means I have a different idea of fun, not that I am afraid of letting loose. I learned that it is not a personal failing to only have a few friends- it means that I prefer to have fewer, closer connections, not that I don't like people or that I don't know how to relate to them.
I realize now that my anxiety was not over a fear of being judged for what I have to say, but of how other's might perceive my innate personality and the fact that in many ways, I reject the mainstream idea of having to be chatting and "connected" all the time in order to get noticed. Of course, there are some people who judge others for being introverted or shy. But once we stop guilting ourselves for not doing things we never even wanted to do in the first place, we can choose to ignore these people.
So, of course, I know that there are people who are really and truly shy to the core. I think we need to accept these people more too. But I can't help but wonder if there are others out there like me who have branded themselves as something they are not because of the labels others have given them. the cliche advice stands here very well: be yourself, whoever that is. Never apologize for being different. Never let anyone tell you you are inferior because of who you are. Accept yourself enough, and the opinions of others won't even matter.
xoxo, The Introvert.
In general, I usually hear shyness described as a sort of social anxiety- a shy person avoids interaction because they are afraid (of being judged or embarrassing themselves, maybe). Someone who is simply introverted does not necessarily have that anxiety. If they avoid social interaction, it is usually because they do not want it and do not like too much of it. Of course, many people have both traits. And some people who are shy might actually crave interaction with others more than a plain-old introvert does- but their fear holds them back.
But my question is this- can society's general lack of acceptance for introversion cause some people to exhibit "shy" qualities, like anxiety or an outward lack of confidence? I can't speak on this issue for anyone except myself, but I do think this has been an issue for me personally.
For most of my life, I have been labeled as "shy" by others. I never had more than a few friends at any one time, didn't like talking to strangers, tended to be very quiet in group settings and never went to parties. And for many years, I got the feeling that there was something wrong with me because I did all of these things. People who don't have very many friends are weird, right? If you don't like partying, that MUST mean you just don't know how to have fun, right? Don't speak up much in class? Aww, you should be more confident! All my life, I've been hearing things like "You need to come out of your shell more," or "Speak up, no one will judge you here!" and "Don't be so shy!" or "You don't appear assertive enough!".
So I think that over time, I just kind of absorbed the message that me being quiet was a bit of a personal failing. I began to feel like I was always expected to be talking- talk, cheap as it may be, is no doubt very highly valued in this culture. Whenever I wasn't talking, I always felt like I should be- like I was weird if I didn't. So, naturally, I started getting anxious, I started worrying about what people thought. I internalized the message that I was "scared" to talk to people whenever I failed to start a conversation with a classmate. I accepted the label that everyone had given me since I was a very small child: "shy".
But over the last few years, I've done a lot of self-evaluating. And something fairly major occurred to me once as I was sitting in a lecture hall waiting for a class to start. I didn't know anyone else in the class, so I was sitting alone, quietly, and feeling more and more guilty as I heard the chatter of all these classmates around me. Why couldn't I be like them? Why didn't I have anyone to talk to? They probably think I am so weird and awkward sitting here alone!
But then it hit me: I wasn't talking to anyone right then because I didn't want to be. I wasn't scared to talk to them, I just didn't want to! There were only like 5 minutes to go before the professor would be there and I wanted to use that time to work on a story I was writing- that felt like a much more productive use of the time than making small talk with a stranger- but there I was, making myself feel so guilty for being true to myself. I then looked around the room and noticed many, many others who were, like me, sitting alone. Some were writing, some were listening to music, some were reading, some were staring into space. But I didn't think a single one looked "sad" or "lonely" or "awkward". Nobody thought anything of it and nobody thought anything of me either.
In that moment, my anxiety disappeared. I felt calm. I don't think I had ever felt calm in a large group of people before, but in that moment, I did, and I (mostly) have ever since. I learned that it is ok that I don't want to be making small talk with people for every minute of the day- it is a preference, not a fear. I learned that I do not have to say something if I have nothing to say- that is the gift of knowing when to shut up and listen, not a lack of confidence. I learned that it is ok to not like going to parties- it means I have a different idea of fun, not that I am afraid of letting loose. I learned that it is not a personal failing to only have a few friends- it means that I prefer to have fewer, closer connections, not that I don't like people or that I don't know how to relate to them.
I realize now that my anxiety was not over a fear of being judged for what I have to say, but of how other's might perceive my innate personality and the fact that in many ways, I reject the mainstream idea of having to be chatting and "connected" all the time in order to get noticed. Of course, there are some people who judge others for being introverted or shy. But once we stop guilting ourselves for not doing things we never even wanted to do in the first place, we can choose to ignore these people.
So, of course, I know that there are people who are really and truly shy to the core. I think we need to accept these people more too. But I can't help but wonder if there are others out there like me who have branded themselves as something they are not because of the labels others have given them. the cliche advice stands here very well: be yourself, whoever that is. Never apologize for being different. Never let anyone tell you you are inferior because of who you are. Accept yourself enough, and the opinions of others won't even matter.
xoxo, The Introvert.
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